Scared Spinster?

Ok, my friend asked -- what the hell are you so scared of? Ok, I will try to summarize this. Might not be the most interesting you have ever read, but still..

I am afraid of:

• Making the wrong decision
• Wasting time because I am untrue to myself
• Making another person disappointed
• Making myself disappointed
• Finding out things about a person too late and panicking
• Breaking someone´s heart

Yes yes yes, no need for being an Einstein here. I am divorced. From a man I loved for many many years and thought I would live together with until we were white-haired and crooked and had at least 10 great grand-children and a number of long-haired Golden Retriver dogs running around our legs. And my ex-husband, bless, would stand in the middle of this whole lot with his big smile and big hands in the air, and just be very happy. And of course, waking up and realizing one day that --- Hey there, stop now, this is NOT right for any of us -- was tough like hell. It made us very unhappy. And I think it made me even more unhappy than him, since I had to live with my decision.

And of course I have allowed myself to be scared since. But it´s now bloody FIVE years ago that we divorced, and hey -- it´s about time I started to calm down and focus a bit more. It´s been ok to avoid the issue and play around for a while and be in impossible relations. But I am done with that now. I am motivated, I want to go on, I want to commit, live together, have children, leave my single life. And believe me, this feeling is a bloody relief. I am so so soooooooo landed.

But this doesn´t mean it necessarily become easier. On the contrary, this makes is even more complicated. Now, I really have to make the right decisions, analyze, try to predict the future, get to know quickly, see signals. I even realized the other day that I am comparing everything with my ex-husband! What is WRONG with me? Hey, this is bloody tiresome, and who has a looking glass anyway? And as soon as a cloud darkens the sky even the slightest, it is just so very easy and tempting to just go back to the comfort zone of being alone again, . The zone where I can be single and strong, untouchable, in control of feelings, home, life, calendar .. and alone.

Good thing I am dating a guy who 1. is divorced and knows what this is all about and 2. is very good to talk about it with. There might be hope.