Romantic Love Puzzles

Was reading Kitlizette´s great blog today and her posting about "the big love", with a clip from the fantastic film Brokeback Mountain, that very painfully illustrates this feeling. Where this love is hiding and if and when we will find, it is the single most occupying question in most people´s life. It has in all times, in all cultures, inspired poetry, literature, music, films, acts, discussions, therapy, blogging, magazines -- everywhere it can be ventilated, discussed, washed inside-out.

Not sure if I have met my BIG LOVE yet, but there sure is one guy that keeps bugging my brain. I just cannot get him out of my head!! Am I normal or not? The story is the following:

I met him in Stockholm FOUR years ago (yep...), he was on hols (English guy) and i was still living there. It was love at first sight the minute I looked into his green keltic eye at the bar in Berns, not that he was nor is particulary handsome (to be honest), rather short, enormous black curly hair, but it was just an extremely strong feeling that came over me. We stayed together the whole weekend and we connected 100%. But when he left he was very realistic "now you live in Stockholm and I in London and bla bla bla", I didn´t want to be realistic at all, I was FULL of possibility. I felt that I was more interested than him, and it was very disturbing. Probably this wasn´t true, looking back at it. I was just so in love and scared and vulnerable that I misread all signals from him. The minute he didn´t confirm me or answer my emails quickly enough, I panicked and started behaving very wierdly (not answering emails, not returning texts etc). Bear in mind though, that this was only a few months after I got divorced and I wasn´t particularly stable.

We were in contact the whole summer and met up once when I was vistiting London, for a lunch only (since I only told him I was coming some 3 days prior to my arrival.. didn´t dare sounding too keen..), but again -- the mental attraction was total. Almost scary. He immediately sent me a long text afterwards saying what I felt too -- that we just click. We decided to meet up when I was coming to London later the same summer, but I didn´t dare following up on this. We were in contact a lot though, and emailed. He must have thought I was a bit whacko to never turn up as planned, but I wasn´t fully straight in my head. On the one hand, I had fallen for him badly and was dead scared that he hadn´t fallen for me, on the other, I was terrified of finding this "Mr Perfect" so early after my divorce. All I really wanted was to be single, think of myself, develop, live alone, meet weirdos, I just wasn´t ready -- goddamnit!!

Then the years have passed. And I even moved to London a year after we met. We have arranged to meet up a few times, but he has always cancelled last minute. Sometimes for "normal reasons" and asked me to come back with another time, sometimes with strange excuses. But it has most times been him contacting me, he pops a text every now and then, asking how I am doing. Then we text for a while and when I suggest to meet up ("for a daytime coffee"), he bails out.

My only analysis of this, looking back on it all, I think I am still on his mind but his extremely busy life as lawyer is consuming him. Plus, I am fully certain that he has had one or more girlfriends during this time, so he hasn´t been "allowed" to meet up. Plus, he is probably not that keen, or thinking that "she is that bird that is from Stockholm and probably will move back there again, and no point". Easy.

And secretly I am thinking that we will meet up in the mud at Glasto, singing to Killers "Dont you want to come with me, don´t you want to feel my bones, on your bones, it´s only natural. Don´t you want to feel my skin, to your skin -- it´s only natural". Finally united and we will dance away in our wellies in the rainbow. Together at last.

Romantic? Me? Not the least.. hahha, but still -- have NEVER met anyone who is just stuck on my brain this much. I still remember what we talked about that weekend in Stockholm, what his green eyes look like, his bushy eyebrows and his pale English body that has had too much beer... (joking, I think he is BEAUTIFUL).

Haha, and looking back on this story, I think -- how bloody pathetic, it´s like a teenage-journal! Get over it NOW!! He is just NOT INTERESTED OR HE WOULD HAVE LIVED IN YOUR BUILDING SITE BY NOW!!

But it´s nice to be a bit romantic sometimes. And it would make a great story.