Total Eclipse?

It´s true as some say -- better keep away from feelings, then you stay strong and on top of things. The minute you start feelings something, is when you get vulnerable. I thought I was coping perfectly well, got my famous MOJO back, self-confidence and didn´t think of the Kangaroo any longer. Almost. Then of course, hé´s back again. Saying he has been insanely busy but could he pls invite me to dinner in his new flat? And being on top of things and feeling fantastic and independent and beautiful and impossible-to-harm, I gladly make myself stunning, pick up an amazing bottle of wine and go there like the Queen of the Warm North. Also thinking to myself -- "He is NOT mr Perfect; not at all!! he is a male chav with too flashy attributes, he is insecure, confused and not anything for me. But it will be FUN to see him! And he will think it´s AMAZING to see me."

The minute he opens the door, the connection is instant. We laugh, we sparkle off with eachother, he has cooked a perfect dinner and it´s all relaxed and just... happy. Then he shows me a book from Australia and says he thinks I should go with him there in November, and to Whistler over New Years and to Hong Kong in March... Eh? Ok, I don't want to appear "stiff and boring and too serious", but really, he is giving me signals I don't really know how to read here... The whole thing gets a little bit more intimate, and then! As on a given signal, the truthful and honest Spinster just HAS to step a bit out of the whole thing. Perhaps I shouldn´t have -- perhaps I should only have sticked to this cheerful "we are friends that are attracted to eachother but not together"-spirit? Not sure. But I just HAD to tell him I though he was a lousy communicator and that I didn't really understand him. He agreed he had been a "shit" and that this [his bad communication] was his most lousy side and nothing to take personally. The Spinster couldn't help but saying that "It's perfectly fine, but not that attractive, especially not when two people that apparently like eachother just met". GREAT SPINSTER -- you managed, AGAIN, to do the fatal mistake -- putting pressure on a guy. Fantastic, some peope never learn! He of course had to squirm out of this saying that he wasn´t sure on what he wanted and where he was in this life and where he was going and why and how and with whom and all other question-words that are possible. I tried to make up for my "demanding attitude" staying I understood and that I was perfectly fine and not to worry and bla bla blaaaaaaaaah.

And then we continued snogging and it got a little bit more intimate and I think we might have drunken too much. And when I left, I felt a sting in my heart. As if things hadn´t really developed the way I wanted it to. I should have stayed on to my "on top of things"-attitude and just left after dinner and some kissing. But anyway, who cares? The night was still lovely and close and loving and he is just bloody wonderful! Hate to say it -- but I keep falling in love with him every time I see him. And it´s now been going on for THREE months. Blimey.

And he texted me some unnecessary things the day after and also yesterday. So on the surface things might not be that bad.

What does my stomach say? She is in two minds. One mind says -- "Don´t be scared, be brave, be patient, it will work out, keep your Mojo, keep your head high, be positive and caring and loving. He is worth it. Give him time and you will be rewarded.". The other mind says "He will hurt you more than what it's worth, he is not serious, he doesn´t care for you like you care for him. He is yet another guy who thinks you are a fun and attractive girl but don't want anything more with you. If this sort of talk scares him after this long time, forget him and heal your heart quickly and get on with your life".

BAH. All I know is that I am off for holidays with 15 people in two boats in blue water. That will keep my mind off this. And hopefully I have forgotten the whole thing when I am back.

And sometimes it's just better to stay away. To not get hurt. To not get involved. Life is so much easier then, so much less painful.

Virtual Insanity

"Curly added you as a friend on Facebook" -- the flashing bold text in my Inbox is telling me.

WHAT THE FxxK??

Just I had I finally buried him alongside my other collection of cleaned-out skeletons, he pops back up again. Just as if he doesn´t really want me to forget he exists!

I have blogged about this old big crush of mine who I met FOUR years ago in Stockholm earlier a few times. In June I was again dreaming of him and also found him at Facebook and since doesn´t protect his profile whatsoever, I have had full insight in his holidays, friends, girlfriend and thank you very much, a bit too much information. Anyway. Actually managed to forget about him. But now -- he has added me as a FRIEND in Facebook. Weird this is. Since I keep my protection high, only my friends can see my pictures and friends there, and now suddenly, he is one? How insane. How enormously insane.

Virtual insanity -- what did Jamiroquoi know about this back in 1996? It´s happening now.

Trial and Error -- My Strategy

Yep, has always been, will continue to be and I willl never leave it -- until the end of my days! I AM opportunity driven, positive and fantastically romantic and this is not stopping. Ever. Yes, I have gone into a number of "traps" and fooled myself perhaps, but hey -- I learned a lot on this too. My dear friend Charlie and I had a discussion on this this week, regarding the fact that he has met someone that he likes and, needless to say, becomes dead scared. He asked me:

- "What do you say Spinster, should we start becoming cynical and scared and find faults immediately when we meet someone interesting, to protect ourselves from falling, to shield our inner hearts and become hard and tough?"
- "No chance in hell" I replied without a shadow of doubt "I am much rather crying for 4 weeks and loosing my face than loosing my passionate personality. Sooner or later you recover from the heart-throb, paint your toenails bright red, get the best frock on and just GET ON WITH IT. Ready for the world."

And sooner or later, Trial and Error will be Trial and Success, it´s a winning game.

Hallelujah.

Lovely Singlehood

Friday findings from the single world:

1. Being single with no interest anywhere is ... fantastic. No tiresome or tedious or sometimes depressing wonderings and ponderings of "whydoesnthecallme" or "whenwillwemeetup". Instead I sleep well, I eat well, I think of myself and I feel flirty. Lovley.
2. Being single when the sun is out and everyone in the town is outside flirting, is lovely.
3. Being single in London is fantastic. Lovely
4. Being single when your best old friends from school are in town visiting is lovely. Especially since they are also single and it´s all like being 16 again. Lovely.

All in all lovely.