Total Eclipse?

It´s true as some say -- better keep away from feelings, then you stay strong and on top of things. The minute you start feelings something, is when you get vulnerable. I thought I was coping perfectly well, got my famous MOJO back, self-confidence and didn´t think of the Kangaroo any longer. Almost. Then of course, hé´s back again. Saying he has been insanely busy but could he pls invite me to dinner in his new flat? And being on top of things and feeling fantastic and independent and beautiful and impossible-to-harm, I gladly make myself stunning, pick up an amazing bottle of wine and go there like the Queen of the Warm North. Also thinking to myself -- "He is NOT mr Perfect; not at all!! he is a male chav with too flashy attributes, he is insecure, confused and not anything for me. But it will be FUN to see him! And he will think it´s AMAZING to see me."

The minute he opens the door, the connection is instant. We laugh, we sparkle off with eachother, he has cooked a perfect dinner and it´s all relaxed and just... happy. Then he shows me a book from Australia and says he thinks I should go with him there in November, and to Whistler over New Years and to Hong Kong in March... Eh? Ok, I don't want to appear "stiff and boring and too serious", but really, he is giving me signals I don't really know how to read here... The whole thing gets a little bit more intimate, and then! As on a given signal, the truthful and honest Spinster just HAS to step a bit out of the whole thing. Perhaps I shouldn´t have -- perhaps I should only have sticked to this cheerful "we are friends that are attracted to eachother but not together"-spirit? Not sure. But I just HAD to tell him I though he was a lousy communicator and that I didn't really understand him. He agreed he had been a "shit" and that this [his bad communication] was his most lousy side and nothing to take personally. The Spinster couldn't help but saying that "It's perfectly fine, but not that attractive, especially not when two people that apparently like eachother just met". GREAT SPINSTER -- you managed, AGAIN, to do the fatal mistake -- putting pressure on a guy. Fantastic, some peope never learn! He of course had to squirm out of this saying that he wasn´t sure on what he wanted and where he was in this life and where he was going and why and how and with whom and all other question-words that are possible. I tried to make up for my "demanding attitude" staying I understood and that I was perfectly fine and not to worry and bla bla blaaaaaaaaah.

And then we continued snogging and it got a little bit more intimate and I think we might have drunken too much. And when I left, I felt a sting in my heart. As if things hadn´t really developed the way I wanted it to. I should have stayed on to my "on top of things"-attitude and just left after dinner and some kissing. But anyway, who cares? The night was still lovely and close and loving and he is just bloody wonderful! Hate to say it -- but I keep falling in love with him every time I see him. And it´s now been going on for THREE months. Blimey.

And he texted me some unnecessary things the day after and also yesterday. So on the surface things might not be that bad.

What does my stomach say? She is in two minds. One mind says -- "Don´t be scared, be brave, be patient, it will work out, keep your Mojo, keep your head high, be positive and caring and loving. He is worth it. Give him time and you will be rewarded.". The other mind says "He will hurt you more than what it's worth, he is not serious, he doesn´t care for you like you care for him. He is yet another guy who thinks you are a fun and attractive girl but don't want anything more with you. If this sort of talk scares him after this long time, forget him and heal your heart quickly and get on with your life".

BAH. All I know is that I am off for holidays with 15 people in two boats in blue water. That will keep my mind off this. And hopefully I have forgotten the whole thing when I am back.

And sometimes it's just better to stay away. To not get hurt. To not get involved. Life is so much easier then, so much less painful.