Strong Weakness

Kitlizette wrote a very intersting thing in her latest posting, about how you sooo need to be just little and vulnerable and weak and dependant sometimes. But it's rather difficult to be so when you are all alone all the time? What can you do? Lean on friends to let them organize your life? Not really likely. It's like The Honorary Swede once said when we were discussing the matter, and one of our friends, also single, perhaps relies a bit on her female friends to sort things out.

- "Well, you're not her boyfriend! She has to sort this herself!"

I sometimes feel that I spend so much time with female friends that I almost get a bit masculine sometimes. Because when I do hang out with my male friends I feel that I become a lot more feminine. And it's interesting this thing. A friend once told me that one of our colleagues found me "a bit intimidating". It annoyed me in a way actually. Of course I will be more dominant and strong in my work environment, but that's it not really how I am. Not always.

Is this what is called the single trap? When you are single for so long that you start to be too independent and "strong" that it becomes unattractive. I believe men and women were created to be together, and being together creates a healthy balance. A yin and yan.

Not really sure what I can do about it though. I think leaning on my male friends a bit more maybe and actually ask for help sometimes. Because also I love feeling taken cared of. It's lovely. But a bit against my nature though, I grew up in a culture where women are encouraged to be self-dependant and go their own way. And men in my home country do find this attractive, I know this for a fact. Because they were brought up with those kinds of women. Perhaps those who have left Sweden did so because they wanted to meet more dependent women, who make them feel more masculine? And maybe the most masculine man is in fact the one that can handle strong women -- he will never feel challenged because he is solid.

Many thoughts. I would just like to find a strong man who I can look up to (not necessarily physically, I find shorter men sexy), but that I admire mentally and I feel can be a skipper on my life journey.

A hard man is good to find. As someone said.

Truthful Lyrics

Not that I am even close to being in love, I don't even have a "span", i.e. something interesting in the pipe. But still. Listening to Kate Nash, makes my heart burst. And I think of the Kangaroo and when I last had any sort of warm feelings for someone. Oh, I could have written these lyrics then.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYWv_NSBZQI

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish *my smile was your favourite kind of* smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.
I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.

Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.
I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look, all i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish we could see if we could be something.

Ultra 35

One and a half week to go until I turn 35. Very pleased actually. Having gone through some age anxiety and panic and I-am-getting-too-old rages during the summer, I am now very content. I like the feeling of being in the beginning of something rather than in the end. Had the same feeling when I turned 30 actually. Once I got over my life crisis, I was sooo looking forward being an early 30-something rather than a late 20-something. The 35 plus-es just seem so much cooler in a way, more mature, more stable, sexier. Look at Kylie (39), Gwyneth Paltrow (35), Kate Blanchett (38). Ok, I know I know they are top models or actors or superstars, but still!! A cool, well-kept, stylish, assured 35+ is just the ultra cool.

My only problem is that I keep meeting people in general and men in particular who are younger than me. Which sometimes makes me feel old. So, my new task is now to start looking upwards on the age-ladder rather than down. I have made one good effort this week. Went with Miss Media to the Conservative Circle City's meeting on Monday. Yes, I did. Mr Cameron was going to hold a speech and Miss Media reckoned it would be a lot of mature, handsome men, tall, in great suits, with enormous wallets. There were a lot of men there. With suits and possibly enormous wallets. And definitely mature. But that's where it ended.

Anyways, weekend is here, sun is shining and I just booked a trip to Australia for New Years. Yes, I will fall in love with a NUMBER of impossible Kangaroos and be heart-broken again. But in the mature 35+ ultra-cool way.

When I am 89 I will be looking back on my life..

In my 20ties I was in love, faithful and together with my husband. All nice and proper and clean and square. And I loved it too, the cars, the yachts, the flats, his energy, I loved it. But it became too claustrophobic.

In my 30ties I was single and commitment phobic and free as a bird, happier than ever. Dating crazy men but always thinking it was wrong. Thinking I ought to find the good man. But they all bored me to death. I guess I didn't really want to find one after all.

In my 40ties I finally remarried to a good man (that I really and truly loved) and became a happy mother to twins, lived in Narrff London in a big house and had two dogs. And I published my first book. And I made the world record in number dinner parties per month. And became a fantastic cook.

In my 50ties the kids started moving out and soon after… husband number 2 too. No griefing over this though. Single and happy and relaxed again. Free as a bird. Realized mature dating is equally fun.

In my 60ties I met THE MAN OF MY LIFE at a concert with Killers, realizing we share the same interest for cooking, writing, dancing and drinking shitloads of good red wine. We moved to Colombia and took care of our children and grand-children and the planet. And thankfully we have enabled us to stay forever young so we will live until we’re at least 120. And he still looks a bit like Leonardo di Caprio mixed with Kenau Reeves (in my own private Idaho, not in Matrix).

3 sure is a magic number.

Bored but landed

Cannot sleep. Not because I am worried or have anxiety or anything. Only fell asleep on the sofa too early and then dragged myself to bed at about midnight, only to realize that the three hours on the sofa was probably quite enough for my body. For a while. And since I can sport an extensive knowledge in the area of insomnia, I know that you need to get out of the bed and do something else than staring at the ceiling or the mind will connect the location with negative feelings.

I suppose this is valid for most negative things in life.

Got a bit bored today. A strange feeling, I am rarely bored. Probably it’s good for me, and could be a spark for something to happen, but still a bit strange. I spent the whole afternoon with an old colleague and it not that he bores me, I guess the boredom feeling just appeared when I realized I haven't left the postcode for the whole weekend.

He made me think a bit on things. He said his reason for not being in a relationship was that he wanted to ensure he could give something to it. That he would want to have “made it” with money and life situation before he got involved. Being rather self-insightful, he admitted that this probably was a defence mechanism of some sort. I anyway got quite intrigued by this and have been thinking of it tonight. I have procrastinated this relationship thingie for many years, thinking I ought to “find myself”, “get my career sorted” “get my flat done” “get my hair longer” and before this was in place, I couldn't give to anyone else. This might have been a way of keeping away from commitment, but on the same hand, is it really that bad? In the great autobiographic novel Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, a person is describing similar thoughts. Gilbert meets the person in India at a meditation centre and he says he is not spiritually ready with himself and is therefore not in a position to give anything to another person. And if I remember this correctly, a few years later she finds out that he is happily married.

And whether this has to do with bad self-confidence, or defence mechanism or whatever, I must agree the point in this. And perhaps it’s ok for me to have felt that I am not ready to give of myself until now really. Even if my reasons feel a bit more superficial than the soulful man in the meditation centre.

Am meeting a person tomorrow (well tonight now..) who I think can agree with me on this, our famous Kangaroo. Here is someone completely not landed or ready to give anything. But since I am fully aware of this, it feels ok though, and it will be good to see him. And I can feel happy that I am not in that confused stage of my life any longer.

Going back to bed now. Lovely being up at night actually. Even the highway outside my window is almost quiet. It never happens. I can hear my neighbour upstairs fiddling around. It’s a nice sound, it makes me feel safe and secure in my wonderful home.

And even this feeling of being landed is safe and secure and balanced, life is surely a bit more thrilling when there is a bit more confusion around, when life is a bit more up in the air. So to keep boredome at bay, I just now decided to go to New York next weekend and surprise my parents who are there to celebrate my mother's birthday.

A few days in the Big Apple and some hours at 10 000 metres will do me good.

Autumn Thoughts

No, I didn’t not fall off the face of the earth after my last blog posting. I didn’t fall at all, apart from on my tailbone at a rather boozy night last week.

Not falling around at all actually. More stable than ever. Started new job, liking it a lot, enjoying autumn in London, must be the best part of the year. Again, I always find all seasons the best parts of the year in London. Apart from maybe hot summers, cannot do them. I get swollen up and red and have distant pain in my legs. Plus everything feels dirty and sticky. Plus the clothes are always terrible unless you managed to get your blue-white skin in a slight warmer tone and you can show some of it off. Autumn, winter and early spring however is fantastic. Handsome coats, sexy boots, edgy gloves, just fantastic.

I have also come to a few conclusions about my man-finding project. After my slight crash over the Kangaroo and also after having spent 1,5 weeks in Sweden, I sat down to have a think. I have already been married, I have been proposed to, been there in the church with 120 guests in a great dress, threw the best party ever and been on a fantastic honeymoon. I have also lived with a man for 10 years, owned three flats, 4 cars, and a sailing yacht with him. I had AMPLE opportunities to have children and move to the suburb and live a conventional life with a really good man. And the only thing it all left me with was claustrophobia, anxiety and unhappiness and finally divorce. So why am trying so badly to get this again?

We don't know. All I know is the sun is shining, I am going to a date tonight (nothing really interesting, but he is a sweet guy), playing polo tomorrow and having lovely friends over tomorrow.

And I am in London.