Bored but landed

Cannot sleep. Not because I am worried or have anxiety or anything. Only fell asleep on the sofa too early and then dragged myself to bed at about midnight, only to realize that the three hours on the sofa was probably quite enough for my body. For a while. And since I can sport an extensive knowledge in the area of insomnia, I know that you need to get out of the bed and do something else than staring at the ceiling or the mind will connect the location with negative feelings.

I suppose this is valid for most negative things in life.

Got a bit bored today. A strange feeling, I am rarely bored. Probably it’s good for me, and could be a spark for something to happen, but still a bit strange. I spent the whole afternoon with an old colleague and it not that he bores me, I guess the boredom feeling just appeared when I realized I haven't left the postcode for the whole weekend.

He made me think a bit on things. He said his reason for not being in a relationship was that he wanted to ensure he could give something to it. That he would want to have “made it” with money and life situation before he got involved. Being rather self-insightful, he admitted that this probably was a defence mechanism of some sort. I anyway got quite intrigued by this and have been thinking of it tonight. I have procrastinated this relationship thingie for many years, thinking I ought to “find myself”, “get my career sorted” “get my flat done” “get my hair longer” and before this was in place, I couldn't give to anyone else. This might have been a way of keeping away from commitment, but on the same hand, is it really that bad? In the great autobiographic novel Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, a person is describing similar thoughts. Gilbert meets the person in India at a meditation centre and he says he is not spiritually ready with himself and is therefore not in a position to give anything to another person. And if I remember this correctly, a few years later she finds out that he is happily married.

And whether this has to do with bad self-confidence, or defence mechanism or whatever, I must agree the point in this. And perhaps it’s ok for me to have felt that I am not ready to give of myself until now really. Even if my reasons feel a bit more superficial than the soulful man in the meditation centre.

Am meeting a person tomorrow (well tonight now..) who I think can agree with me on this, our famous Kangaroo. Here is someone completely not landed or ready to give anything. But since I am fully aware of this, it feels ok though, and it will be good to see him. And I can feel happy that I am not in that confused stage of my life any longer.

Going back to bed now. Lovely being up at night actually. Even the highway outside my window is almost quiet. It never happens. I can hear my neighbour upstairs fiddling around. It’s a nice sound, it makes me feel safe and secure in my wonderful home.

And even this feeling of being landed is safe and secure and balanced, life is surely a bit more thrilling when there is a bit more confusion around, when life is a bit more up in the air. So to keep boredome at bay, I just now decided to go to New York next weekend and surprise my parents who are there to celebrate my mother's birthday.

A few days in the Big Apple and some hours at 10 000 metres will do me good.