Hurt Male Pride

It´s not fun at all, breaking up. It never is but Mr Cosby sure tops the pops of the non-fun-break-ups. He is not being nice. On the one hand he says we should be friends, then when I am friendly, he says I am giving him positive signals. When I am not friendly, I am a horrible person who makes him feel like a puppy, running around after me. He keeps pestering me with text-messages saying I shouldn´t think so highly of myself, and that I am generally not a good person. And I am not answering to them, just trying to ignore them. Only feel like saying -- "dont behave like a puppy chasing me if you aren´t one". But still a bit sad, I really liked him.

Staying Cool in Impatience Fever

I hate being interested in someone, I just hate it. The minute you become the slightest bit attached, the whole image and profile just falls off. I am just so much more attractive when I am not interested, that´s obvious. Obvious since all guys that I am interested in are acting cool with me, but those that I am cool about, they bloody chase me!

Hmmm, how do I reverse this? I like Mr Kangaroo and I want him to call me. Yes yes yes, I know, he is moving, his grandfather is dying down in ol´Oz and he needs to go within the next days AND he has to finish a lot of work before this. And he has emailed and said we will meet up when he is back. Well well well.

I just know that I want him and his whole beautiful body and soul faxed over to my newly installed kitchen, and I want him to sit here and and just radiate me with his whole self.

NOW!

Muddy Waters and Lovely Rain

I am in love. Very much in love. Still dancing on a fluffy cloud. Dancing away around in the knee-high mud and loving it all. I just loved it. The friendlyness, the music, the feeling of freedom of sleeping outdoors, the whole shobang. All there was to worry about was to not get too muddy, get some food, prioritize bands, endure the toilet-visits. Easy life. No job-worries, no kitchen installators to yell at, no fiddling with builders, nothing.

And also I think I might have fallen a little bit in love. Just a little. La Kit says I am too romantic, to easily falling in love, too rushing into things, I don´t know. I just know I like him a lot, and I spent a lot of time with him, and he is lovely the little Kangaroo....

We texted for a bit and then he chased us up at Friday morning. There he was in the Orange tent, where you can charge your phone, standing there just being so cute, big smile, strong body, happy
camper. And we had a lot of fun during the day on Friday in all friendlyness, and then he came along for the Lost Vagueness on Friday night too.

LV is an area within Glastonbury which is a burlesque and very cool version of Las Vegas. La Kit and I were dressed up, I as a retro-sailor and she as a burlesque Latino-Lolita. And we danced away, and Mr Sketch joined in, weirdly enough. So we had a bit of a drama when Mr Kangaroo came along and took me by the hand like a strong Crocodile Dundee. All very bizarre when Mr Sketch ended up confining in La Kit, who is not his biggest fan, that he was very jealous and that he felt he had made a mistake to leave me. Well, as I told him, who the hell said I wanted him to stay on? Anyway, Mr Kangaroo and I danced away into the Salsa-tent and then we jived all night at the Gay-Bingo. Hilarious. And kissed a lot.

To top the drama up a bit, Mr Cosby decided to "freestyle down to Glasto to rock up the place a bit". Being slightly disturbed he insisted on seeing me although I told him I wasn´t the least interested in this. So I did my best to avoid him but ended up meeting up quickly on Sunday morning, just to meet a very drunk and stoned Mr Cosby with a bottle of brandy in his hand, mumbling that I was very unfriendly and that I must have met someone. So we ended up yelling at eachother in the Orange tent. Thankfully, La Kit was there to save me, again, and we escaped from him and his crazy stone-high friend. Bah.

Spent the rest of the weekend with La lovely Kit and met up with Mr Kangaroo here and there. And kissed. And held hands. And had Chai Latte in the Chaiwalla tent. He is lovely. He smells like a baby, even after 5 days at Glasto, he makes me laugh, he is kind, intelligent, shares my music, dances like a God.

So all in all. The Glasto-mud washed out Mr Cosby and Mr Sketch forever and built up a new friendship that I have no idea where it will go. We still have the Canadian girlfriend to wash out. But she seems to be half-way down the drain too. He says "well she is gone back to Canada now anyway". Not sure what this means. Not sure if he does either.

Just know that I have a severe post-Glasto-depression, strong feelings for a Kangaroo with a Canadian luggage and that I should not be getting into deep just yet. We´re both away for a few weeks now and said we would meet up when back. Maybe things have cleared up then.

I just want to go back to Glasto, to the mud, to the rain. I loved it so.

The Spinster Line-up

So, the big event is close. I am almost packed. Need to get a torch only. Then I am done. Ready to go. And when printing out the line-up of bands and acts, it counts up to THIRTYNINE A4-papers.

And as dearest Chablis so cleverly pointed out, my line-up for Glasto is almost as good. As it happens, during these 5 days of mud and rain, I will be joined by

• Mr Sketch -- He came, he saw, and now he has been washed out by The Sinister Spinster. Says he thinks we should be dancing together at the Lost Vagueness party. I asked if the third part of the equation would join too? He muttered back that "could we not just meet up as friends", to which I just yawned back.
• The Old Flame -- The much discussed lately, an also stalked at Facebook, will be there. With or without girlie that is so much exposed on his Facebook homepage, we don´t know. Not sure if I care at all to be honest.
• Mr Kangaroo -- The cute Ozzie. Will be fun to party with him, he´s a lot of fun. Has been emaling weather forecasts to me the whole day and is triumphant that he has a caravan. If he is not careful, he might have another guest in that dry environment.
• Mr Cosby -- for a few hours he said he was going too, but thankfully, his daughter decided to have a party on the Saturday. Saved by the bell.

Think I will go for new, un-discovered acts instead.

Ps. Follow our adventures at: www.bbc.co.uk/glastonbury (hopefully no close up of me and La Kit covered in mud though)

Getting there

So we´ve talked. And he understands. He even brought it up himself. Saying he thought I was too "I" oriented in everything and didn´t prioritize him at all. Said that if I want to have a casual relationship, I could mind as well tell him straight out. And I liked him so much for putting his foot down. Very Alpha. Very masculine. But not easier for me. I was very straight to him, very clear on my unclearness. Without critizising him. Which was sort of good of me. The final break hasn´t been made yet though.

Deadline is coming up soon. It´s spelled G_L_A_S_T_O.

Wormy Intuitions

Can´t believe this is happening again. Again I am breaking up. Again I am the one who has to make someone disappointed. Again I am the one who has to take decisions. And I really don´t want to! Can´t life just be easy and peasy? Why do I have to leave someone I really like again? I miss him so badly already. But my intuition just wont let go! I just doesn´t let me rest. The minute I am happy and loving and feel comfortable with someone, it creeps up like a worm, growing bigger and bigger in my chest until I´m choking and just have to open my mouth and let it come out: "Honey, I don´t want to be with you any more". And my whole body is just crying, missing, wanting and crying more.
Why is it like this? Why? Why? Why? What is this worm in me? What is this bloody intuition? Just let me be please, let me get on with my life. Can I please just get to stay with those I like?

Or should I be grateful maybe? Is this extreme feeling just my biggest asset? The one that will never let me be in a relationship that is not really good? Sometimes I think it´s my mother. I think she is sometimes sitting on my left shoulder telling me what to do.

I don´t know. Am just sad. I will miss him so.

Digital relief

The internet lives, long live the internet! You will NOT believe this my dear friends. Today I finally signed up to that annoying FACEBOOK that I keep getting invites to (tedious to be sooo popular you know....). Very addictive little site though and I just couldn´t stop browsing around.

And who do I find do you think? But yes of course, the old "inforgettable love" that I wrote about the other day. I was in a state of chock, to suddently just be faced with ALL possible info about his life -- his friends, his jobs and TONS of pictures of him and his girldfriend!! Hohohohoho. I was almost laughing my eyes out. Such a sweet guy.. but 1. Doesn´t look a bit like I remember him (which was a given) and 2. Is not at all my type! Sure thing, he looks extremely nice and I remember why I liked him, but no no no longer. But fun to see him and I am happy to see he looks very happy with his girl.

So now, I will erase him forever, but maybe still stalk him just a bit longer. On the interweb.

Confession 2

I do NOT find this man the slightest attractive. I really cannot see what on earth is the thing with him!! The moment he opens his mouth, his ugly teeth are shown and he just looks like any old football hooligan!! BAH!!

Put in "comments" YOUR favorite British men!! I will make a list when I have more input. Yes, Kitty, I know you will vote for Russel Brand, but add some more pls.

Confession

Yes, I think they are lovely. Both of them. Strong, fit, healthy-looking, tall, well-spoken, relaxed. I love them both. And I loved their mother. And would the future Kind of England ask me I sure would want to be his queen, even only for a night. The Windsor Brothers are just the best possible PR-agents for British men!! Just saw interviews with them on telly. I am in looooooooooove.

Me am the Cookie Monster?

Yep, I know, you don´t have to tell me -- I am indeed both eating the cake and having it. Not particularly nice nor fair nor good. And I will end it, sooner or later. It´s just so difficult. I really really like Mr Cosby -- we have so much fun together, I am laughing all the time, I love his music knowledge and that he is so social and relaxed. He is also extremely helpful with everything and generally just a super-guy. And yes, the acrobatic bed-activities are tremendous too.

But something is just not right. And I cannot put my finger on it. Probably I am just not in love in the right way. And it feels a bit unfair. ´cause I would just love everything to feel perfect. And the question is; will these feelings change? Could I just not suddently one day wake up and realize: of course I am in love with him!! ??

And I assure you, I wont play double games or treat him bad. Promise. I´m not a real cookie monster. Just a very pale copy.

Romantic Love Puzzles

Was reading Kitlizette´s great blog today and her posting about "the big love", with a clip from the fantastic film Brokeback Mountain, that very painfully illustrates this feeling. Where this love is hiding and if and when we will find, it is the single most occupying question in most people´s life. It has in all times, in all cultures, inspired poetry, literature, music, films, acts, discussions, therapy, blogging, magazines -- everywhere it can be ventilated, discussed, washed inside-out.

Not sure if I have met my BIG LOVE yet, but there sure is one guy that keeps bugging my brain. I just cannot get him out of my head!! Am I normal or not? The story is the following:

I met him in Stockholm FOUR years ago (yep...), he was on hols (English guy) and i was still living there. It was love at first sight the minute I looked into his green keltic eye at the bar in Berns, not that he was nor is particulary handsome (to be honest), rather short, enormous black curly hair, but it was just an extremely strong feeling that came over me. We stayed together the whole weekend and we connected 100%. But when he left he was very realistic "now you live in Stockholm and I in London and bla bla bla", I didn´t want to be realistic at all, I was FULL of possibility. I felt that I was more interested than him, and it was very disturbing. Probably this wasn´t true, looking back at it. I was just so in love and scared and vulnerable that I misread all signals from him. The minute he didn´t confirm me or answer my emails quickly enough, I panicked and started behaving very wierdly (not answering emails, not returning texts etc). Bear in mind though, that this was only a few months after I got divorced and I wasn´t particularly stable.

We were in contact the whole summer and met up once when I was vistiting London, for a lunch only (since I only told him I was coming some 3 days prior to my arrival.. didn´t dare sounding too keen..), but again -- the mental attraction was total. Almost scary. He immediately sent me a long text afterwards saying what I felt too -- that we just click. We decided to meet up when I was coming to London later the same summer, but I didn´t dare following up on this. We were in contact a lot though, and emailed. He must have thought I was a bit whacko to never turn up as planned, but I wasn´t fully straight in my head. On the one hand, I had fallen for him badly and was dead scared that he hadn´t fallen for me, on the other, I was terrified of finding this "Mr Perfect" so early after my divorce. All I really wanted was to be single, think of myself, develop, live alone, meet weirdos, I just wasn´t ready -- goddamnit!!

Then the years have passed. And I even moved to London a year after we met. We have arranged to meet up a few times, but he has always cancelled last minute. Sometimes for "normal reasons" and asked me to come back with another time, sometimes with strange excuses. But it has most times been him contacting me, he pops a text every now and then, asking how I am doing. Then we text for a while and when I suggest to meet up ("for a daytime coffee"), he bails out.

My only analysis of this, looking back on it all, I think I am still on his mind but his extremely busy life as lawyer is consuming him. Plus, I am fully certain that he has had one or more girlfriends during this time, so he hasn´t been "allowed" to meet up. Plus, he is probably not that keen, or thinking that "she is that bird that is from Stockholm and probably will move back there again, and no point". Easy.

And secretly I am thinking that we will meet up in the mud at Glasto, singing to Killers "Dont you want to come with me, don´t you want to feel my bones, on your bones, it´s only natural. Don´t you want to feel my skin, to your skin -- it´s only natural". Finally united and we will dance away in our wellies in the rainbow. Together at last.

Romantic? Me? Not the least.. hahha, but still -- have NEVER met anyone who is just stuck on my brain this much. I still remember what we talked about that weekend in Stockholm, what his green eyes look like, his bushy eyebrows and his pale English body that has had too much beer... (joking, I think he is BEAUTIFUL).

Haha, and looking back on this story, I think -- how bloody pathetic, it´s like a teenage-journal! Get over it NOW!! He is just NOT INTERESTED OR HE WOULD HAVE LIVED IN YOUR BUILDING SITE BY NOW!!

But it´s nice to be a bit romantic sometimes. And it would make a great story.

Age crisis?

An article in the Standard today, told about a new fertility pill that will prolong the quality and "usability" of a woman´s eggs. According to the article a woman´s eggs is "heavily reduced in quality" at age 37 and useless at 45, and this new pill would increase these time-spans. I'm 34 now and a small feeling of panic entered my mind when I read this. Will I have to go on some strange hormons that god-knows-the-sideeffects will be, to have kids?

Also read about BEAUTIFUL and uber-cool Sadie Frost who is 41, has FOUR kids and is constantly dating very much younger men. Love her, she is so much my ultra-role model. Maybe that´s what I should do? Just bloody fall madly in love and stop all this thinking, get pregnant and if I don´t live with this man for the rest of my life -- so be it! Jude Law or not. I´d have a bohemian urban life with my kids in a cool flat in Narrrff Landan and just be ... a creative spirit! YES! There we have it!

I´ll drink a lot of water. Apparently that´s Jerry Hall´s best recommendations for everlasting beauty. And she, too, should know.

2 of 1 kind

Met up with Mr Kangaroo yesterday for this friendly coffee, that ended up in wine and Pimms, but anyway .. friendly. And we were laughing when the more we were talking, the more everything we said were rather identical: vacations, jobs, views on London, England, interests, plans for the summer, we´ve even bought the same ridiculously expensive wellies for Glastonbury!! Well well. I am just amazed since after having met hard-work-different-but-exciting-men for the past 5 years, this was quite a new experience. And amazingly enough, I even found him attractive. In a scary sort of way. Why? Not sure, too close for comfort maybe.

Anyway, no need to think any more of this now. He has a Canadian girlfriend ("who is 10 years younger, and maybe not really a realistic future", quote Mr Kangaroo), I am still seeing a sometimes wonderful, sometimes "not really a realistic future" Mr Cosby. Plus I am Swedish and he is Australian. Scary.

At least we can jump around in the mud at Glasto wearing our super fancy Hunter-wellies, happily swinging a Guinness. It wont hurt.

True Love

Summer in London and in Notting Hill, could life be better? Last night dinner in the sun at Westbourne Park Road, then drinks outside the Cow for hours. Loads of people, buzzling, thriving, chatting, enjoying the sun, the summer, the warmth. This town is just so filled with energy! Read somewhere that London is becoming the most popular towns in the world (not that me and my logic brain can understand just how on earth they can calculate this but let´s not be boring now)! Having spent a good part of my life in London and England since late 80ties, I really think it´s changed so much. Ok, it´s still big and clumsy, but things are improving, moderinizing, becoming more efficient, cleaner, better.

And the energy. I don´t understand what it is, but I just get energy from it all. Looking out from my window in my, almost, done-up flat, I see the market at Portobello waking up and people are gazing through the racks of vintage clothing, having a coffee, skinning up a spliff and relaxing under a big leafy tree.. And I just can´t wait to get out of there.

It´s the people that does it. After 2,5 years in the hood, I start feeling like home and I nod to people like a proper domestic. It´s something beautifully decandent and age-less about Notting Hill that I hope will never disappear. Heard the other day that Chanel is opening up on Westbourne Grove. This is all very sad, since sooner or later the old antique-shops the book-stores and the quirky coffee shops will have to shut down, since the rents are going to go sky rocket!

One of my favorite people in the hood is this tall and rather handsome guy in his fourties, with a bush of flowing whitening hair, always wearing a black t-shirt and jeans. I always see him going forth and back in the hood on his skateboard with a motor on! It just looks so funny. And it´s rather speedy and he just stands leisurly on it having a smoke.

See you later, am going out on a date with my true boyfriend, London.

Naughty Spinster

Was heavily chatted up by cute Aussie Boy a couple of weeks ago who secretly slipped his business card down in my pocket when he realized an angry Mr Cosby was around. Didn´t think of it much at the time, but fished it up a couple of days ago and sent him a friendly email. Nice little kangaroo and we are now meeting up for a coffee this weekend. A causal one, since I am seeing someone, and he apparently is too. So all good and innocent.

Dear friend Ms Super-tough got really worked up and firmly says i shouldn´t see him, even for a coffee. She says he must a slimey ashole who already has a girl. Plus looks like a German. Don´t think I can possibly say anything on this, or even judge here. I too have a relationship and most people think I look like a Bayern queen.

Big deal, it´s just a coffee.

Ups and Downs

What´s wrong with me? Where did these thoughts come from. My lovely friend La Bella Donna Designer tells me to not worry "I have been together with my guy for 8 years, I am still wondering and pondering and finding faults and doubting, but deep down I know that I am certain!". Which was kind of calming, but then again - I had very similar thoughts with my ex-husband, and we all know where that went...

Situation is that Mr Cosby and I have had a few rather dull discussions this week which has made me wondering if we are really right for eachother. My mind is trying to clear out if these discussions are only temporary irritations due to stress and busy schedules, or symptoms on some larger fundamental schism between us?

Mr Cosby gets extremely irritated and thinks I am too analytical and trying to find too much answers to things. He thinks it´s all very straightforward: "we were stressed and had different views on a couple of things, as couples do, but now: move on!!".

My problem is that I immediately start feeling choked and don´t feel like seeing him or spending time with him. I just want to be with myself and my friends all of a sudden. Doesn´t feel like this is the right feeling after just ... 2 months?

Eternal Love

Amazing, my parents have known and loved eachother since they were 19. This year, they are celebrating their 40th wedding day (and when they got married the had already known eachother for some 5 years). And, as far as I am informed, no relationship-problems of any major importance have passed their way.

Having spent 4 days with them, it´s amazing how they are glued together and are united as one. They still look at eachother with enormous affection, they touch often and laugh all the time. True happiness. It´s very touching, and I am incredibly happy for them and for me and my sister who have such parents. Role-models.

Almost too good that makes me think that this might inhibit me from involving, since I compare everything with them and I feel that I want everything like it has been for them. But what do I know anyway? People are different, and our generation is different and, most importantly, the world is different. Especially my world.

Cultural Integration 2

I am probably a slightly bit pathetic in my strive to integrate myself with cultures. The cleaning team here in my office consists of a bunch of very sweet Nigerian women and of course, the Spinster has suddently started to chase them around and chat with them and discuss the political situation and oil problems in Nigeria. Not that they speak particularily good English OR seem the least interested in my views on Buchi Emecheta´s fantastic literature, but still.

I´m integrating. Ok, Mr Cosby is first of all not Nigerian, but British, and secondly this lot is most likely not even close to the Mr Cosby-family, but even so. I feel a need to integrate and show interest.

Cultural Integration 1

I love England and Britain, as you know. And I love living here. Having said this, should I ever decide to marry in this country, certain things will never ever happen.

Pictures talk from themselves.

(nb. lovely girls by the way, and I kindly asked for a picture to my wedding-blog... how very sinister of me)

Alpha Beta Gamma

I love having an Alpha-male. I just love it. I just lean back, without a care for anything and just... relax. Not surprisingly, this bossy-ness from both sides caused a slight bit of irrititation to start with, but now we´re used to it. And it´s great.

From being a nervous flat-renovation-wreck with idiots to builders and painters who have drained me on money and time, the Alpha-male has just taken control over the whole situation and chased up a super efficient Romanian team. And in a flash, the flat is now wallpapered, painted, re-painted, floor sanded and I have done nothing but just pointed at some paint in the DIY-shop. Plus, just being cared for, driven everywhere, looked-after by a great gentleman is just...soothing.

After too many years with useless gamma-males attracted to me because I am a strong force, I will now just lean back and relax.

For a while anyway.

Test 2: Meet the parents, second round

Ok, so the farmers from North Sweden were here over the weekend. Very nice. They are lovely, simple, kind and jolly people, happy for everything. Maybe maybe a bit old and a teeny weeny bit whiny I find. But bless, they are getting older after all. And yes, Mr Cosby came along for a drink after dinner on Sunday night. All very casual and easy. Fortunaly, my old friend Little Miss Yellow and her lovely Mr Ironboard were also joining at dinner, so it was all a very relaxed, and intoxicated,,,,, meeting.

And everyone being kind and light hearted, it was a sunny and happy meeting up. And all liked eachother. But knowing my mum far too well, I know that she secretly would like me to meet a good Swedish boy with whom she can first of all speak to and also with whom they can ski and watch the Eurovision Song Contest. Because that´s what people do - cluster with alikes. And as lovely, intelligent, easy-going, chatty and friendly Mr Cosby is,,,, he is not alike.

And neither am I.