The Power of PMS

All things have an end apart from the sausage who has two. Old Swedish expression. Very true. And sausages or not, I had to make an end to the Kangaroo-story. After his calling and texting and missing and kissing and blah blah blah-ing last weekend, silence. Only silence and nothing else.

And powered by PMS-hormones (amazing how executive I am a few days before my period, fantastic), I decided to grab the bull by its horns and take control over the situation. And to cut a long story short: some useless texting, no suggestions to meet up from his side, spinster getting fed up, spinster texts bitchy texts, kangaroo calls, spinster and kangaroo has open and honest discussion, spinster angry and sad, some tears, kangaroo very understanding and kind and sweet and honest, spinster's heart breaks by the sound of his voice.

Result: call off of something that really never was on. He explained "I can't give you what you want, I am on my way back to Australia, I am confused, you are landed". I interpreted "I am not that into you and plus I am still in love with my Canadian girlie". Had real heart-pain for a few days and loads more tears, but now I am starting to feel over it. And it is really a release. It's a bit like letting go of a really heavy back-pack that I wasn't sure why I was carrying around.

And as always, the best way of feeling better is retail-therapy. Got myself some fantastic lace underwear from local designer, extremely cool and sexy. What else to do when you have just been dumped? Priceless.

Cinderella in stalker-mood

Sagittarius: You've been meeting quite a few new people lately, and one of them will have a big impact on your life in the near future. Who could it be?

I read my facebook-horoscope and will follow it blindly. On the train from my hometown to the capital today, I had snatched the seat of someone else. This else-person turned out to be a really nice young/-ish/ man but he was cool with me sitting on his place, and stayed put in the empty seat next to me. I politely asked him if he wanted some of my clementine, and then the chat was in full go. And we talked and talked and talked for a good hour and then we walked together into the station and talked and talked more. When I had to dash off for the communter train, it all went too quickly, and I disappeared like a cinderella but with my tall boots firmly on my feet. Very silly. Just now met with my dear old friend and she says "POKE him at Facebook!!". And of course, the quick-fingered girls quickly found the man with the slightly odd name.

Question is now -- should I? Or should I leave the Prince searching the London-network like mad for me?

Facebook: enabling long-lasting friendships

Curly and I haven't seen eachother for 4 years. For a good couple of years, had a hard crush on him, convinced that he was the man of my life. This summer he added me as a friend on Facebook. Still we haven't met up, hardly had any contact. Our rare dialogue is on a profound level.

[preface: I had in my status written about setting up my new company, and he sends me a message]


Curly
Today at 11:02am
Sinister Productions????
Do tell!
Cx

Sinister Spinster
Today at 4:18pm
its a money laundry body focussing on quick cash transactions involving porn video rentals and cloakroom fees at dodgy brixton-clubs. sometimes I also take on some vegetable projects (mainly cabbage, for given reasons), as a cover up.

Curly
Today at 4:20pm
You're trading in cabbage aren't you.

Sinister Spinster
Today at 4:23pm
cabbage, but also cauliflower and sometimes I diversify into leaf-parsley, anything bushy and hideable as a general rule of thumb

Curly
Today at 4:24pm
broccolli?

Sinister Spinster
Today at 4:24pm
too stiff

Curly
Today at 4:27pm
sweet potatoes?

Sinister Spinster
Today at 4:31pm
too round

Curly
Today at 4:34pm
swedes?

Sinister Spinster
Today at 4:35pm
too harsh

Curly
Today at 4:37pm
correct!

Sinister Spinster
Today at 4:38pm
speak soon

Curly
Today at 4:42pm
[disappears in a puff of cabbage]

The Never Ending Story?

"This little roo misses you and is sorry that he has not been around. xx".

It all started on Friday when our dear Mr Kangaroo, out of the radio-shadow, texted me to explain he was more or less turning French by all the time he is currently spending in the home country of the Rugby World Cup. Which was a way for him to explain and excuse why he hasn't been in touch very much (I had really managed to realize that he is nothing for me and I have been a complete fool) . This was then followed by exchanges of some heartful texts. And picture my surprise when I on Saturday get a phone call from him on a cracked line from a boat to Sardinia where he is going to be with his Aussie mate until they go back to France again. Nice and a bit strange to hear his voice again and we had a chat about all sorts of things. He was very regretful for not being in touch or around and said he has either been working 14 hours a day or been in France for the past 6 weeks. Said he would be back after next weekend and could we perhaps meet up then? I don't really remember what i said, probably I was just rather friendly. In shock probably. Then he sent this text.

And first I was in heaven floating around immediately started romantically plan for our future, but now, a couple of days later, the more cynical and realistic me has taken over. Really I am in two minds. My two voices are talking to me.
One says -- he only calls you because he feels lonely and needs to know that you, or someone, is there for him when he decides to land on Planet Earth again.
The other says -- he really cares about you, he is just a completely distracted and lousy communicator. In his mind, he sees you both together again when it all calms down.

Should I now:

1. Throw myself into his arms and just forget the past and just start off again, into eternity?
2. Play it down and let him come to me although be nice and sweet when we speak?
3. Bitch a bit and play really hard to get and let him suffer badly for being absent
4. Erase his number, don't answer his calls and refuse to ever see him again?

Parts of me just want to go with 1 or 2, just not be a difficult girl, realize and accept that timing is key to modern relationships and also think of the fact that I too have been rather absent and been seeing 7 (seven) different men since I met with him. Noone wants a bitch or someone who is always demanding or yelling.

Parts of me is afraid that he wont ever respect me again unless I go for 3 or 4. He needs to chase and fight for me more, or he will always treat me like a doormat, like a girl he can always be sure of and that will always wait for him, regardless how lousy he is. In truth, I don't find doormats particularly interesting, although they are convenient to have around. And who wants to be convenient?

Most likely, I will not do anything but just see where things go and try to not think too much about it. I will most likely lean towards 3, too proud and scared to dare doing 1 or 2, but will try and be nice and tender and sweet (although, knowing myself, there will be some honest comments from the sharp mouth of the Sinister Spinster)...

Thankfully, I am in peace and loving harmony in Sweden for a week with all sorts of fun things going, including friends setting me up with various men and trying to convince me to move home again. Not that I will, but good to have something else to think of.

Sunshine Stories

Before I write anything else, I would just like to point out that I am actually a very happy person. Just because I have a blog that is focussed on the single life, doesn´t mean I spend my whole life thinking of men, finding men or why it doesn´t work out -- believe it or not! It just fascinates me a bit, this love seeking and finding process. And it´s such a complicated matter that I just cannot help analyzing it. Because it´s really not only about love seeking, there is a lot of finding going on around us. Here is a little collection of Sunshine Stories.

A fantastic friend of mine in Stockholm, a top athlete, super energic, beutiful, blond, sexy, sweet, kind, with a great flat, interesting job, sharp brain, great family and friends, was single from when she split up with her college romance (and big love) when she was around 25 and she is now turning 37 in a few months. Her single-ship was partly very unhappy. She was in despair and lost her hope a number of times and I really didn´t know how to help her. In all honesty, she really did everything right. She is multi-athlete, she meets a lot of men in her sports, she has a big crowd of friends and friends of her brother is always around for parties that she arranges. But still, Mr Right kept at a distance. And a few years ago when we were talking about this, she said that she knew EXACTLY what kind of man she was looking for. I told her to be more open-minded and that she needed to think out of her box etc. But she was adament -- and told me that she would rather be single than compromise. And she did the right thing, for sure. I got a long email from her last week with a picture of her lovely man since six months back, and I can just see and tell from what she writes and from the picture, that he is soooo right for her. And it warms my heard immensly. It´s like the hand that fits the glove. And it was so worth the wait and the men she rejected.

Another story is about another friend in Stockholm. When I just came out of my marriage and very uninterested in men, she had come to the point when she was just fed up. She had then been single for 7 years, she was 31 and nothing turned out well. She was active, she arranged trips with friends, she was always out and about and she really enjoyed her life. And there sure was no shortage of men, she was dating and seeing guys but nothing just turned out right. And she also fell into despair and slight depression. Every time she met someone, something was just wrong because she also knew SO WELL what kind of man she would live with. But that fantastic MATCH never happened and again she was told to be more possibility oriented and positive. But she got so fed up that she decided to "give up". Not entirely but just leave the whole thing for a while. She started focussing on feeling good about herself, getting her health in place and just have fun with friends. And a few months later, when she was just being happy and strong, her true love just entered her life. And the funny thing with this story is that they had been colleagues many years earlier and were in the same group of friends, but never really seen eachother. Then suddenly something just struck them and they are one of the most perfect couples I´ve ever met in my life. And it also warms my heart.

So, a couple of positive stories today this rainy October morning. Common denominators:
1. Long time of single-hood and falling into despair and hopelessness
2. Both persons are ready to give and take true love, not to have confirmation or sex or because "I don´t know how to be single"
3. The image of "Mr Perfect" is clear and outspoken and no compromises (of really important and fundamental levels) are made to this
4. Meeting the right person is just RIGHT to start with. No hassle, no problems, no difficulties -- it´s just right!

LOVELY!

Project Status...!

Weekend passed in a very soft and inward way. Spent it with sister at SPA in the country-side. Very relaxed and healthy and sleeping and exercising and getting fresh air and yadayadayadaaaaaaa. Made me feel immediatly that something is wrong with my life, that I should be living a healthy life in a suburb of Stockholm and have children. Just like my sis.

And in some way I think I would like to, but when I think of it realistically,,, no, it´s so not me. Not now, maybe in a few years. And yes, I think of if as a possible way of life a lot more now than what I did just a few years ago. So who knows? I must say I look 5 year younger today than what I did on Saturday morning! I think a mix of my current life and my sister´s life is more suitable. I don´t have to stop going to concerts or going out to see friends just because I will have a family. It doesn´t have to be so black and white.

Well, in all honesty, this -- my beautifuls -- is nothing I need worry about now. Heheh, I am a bit funny sometimes, as if I had the option of living her life? Well I was hysterically close to it once and all it left me with was strong anxiety, panic and a well-established commitment phobia. But now, my project of finding Future Husband is very inactive. Needless to say, this weekend did nothing to improve the odds either (unless I want to date middle-age men or women). But that´s all good. I feel very inward right now. Q3 is over and Q4 will be about me, and what I feel good about, my family and friends. Nothing else. Hallelujah.

(well, we´ll see how long this lasts...)